God Seeks Me, God is Seeking Me This Moment

Again and again, I am conscious that I am seeking God. There is ever present in me a searching, a longing for some ultimate resting place for my spirit—some final haven of refuge from storms and upheavals of life.  I seek ever the kind of peace that can pervade my total life, finding its quiet way into all the hidden crevices of my being and covering me completely with a vast tranquility.  This I seek not because I am a coward, not because I am afraid of life or of living, but because the urge seems to steady me to the very core.

-Howard Thurman, Meditations of the Heart

On August 30, 2021, I was diagnosed with Stage 4 Appendiceal Cancer or Cancer of the Appendix.  It is a very rare cancer, affecting about 1 or 2 people per 1 million per year.  Scientists do not yet know what causes Cancer of the Appendix.  All I know is that the pathology report of my tissue submitted for analysis showed that the cancer was alive in my body for six years, and I never felt a thing! None of my regular annual exams since 2008 showed any evidence or indication of cancer.  By the time I called my primary doctor about the pain that woke me up at 3:30 in the morning, the cancer had already metastasized and spread to seven organs, four of which were removed, re-sectioned or shaved in two abdominal surgeries.

Yet, I am ALIVE!  Battered, bruised, and worn, but ALIVE! I never would have made it had it not been for “God seeking me.”

As I recuperated, I found myself at a spiritual impasse. My inner altar was disconnected; my spiritual fervor (Romans 12:11) had waned.  I needed rest, retreat, Sabbath space, time to rebuild, restore, and self-care. Frankly, I needed to hear from God. I had spent over twenty-five years ministering to the needs of others, but now I needed to minister to my own needs.  The cancer experience affected not only my body and mind, but also my spirit; and I desperately needed a spiritual resuscitation.

I was already familiar with the programs Shalem offered and when I attended the information session for Heart Longings and learned that the entire eight-month course would be on Zoom, I did not hesitate to register.  Believe me, Heart Longings did not disappoint.  From the lighting of candles to set the atmosphere in the guided meditations, to the personal testimonies of our leaders, to sharing our personal stories in breakout groups, pairs or triads; to creative application of contemplative practices, communal discernment; group singing, listening to songs and poetry, to writing our own prayers: we were expertly inundated with fresh new ways to listen for God and we were given many contemplative opportunities to be present to the Presence of God.

I am so grateful for our whole class gatherings, and, at the same time, my best learnings emerged from the monthly Group Spiritual Direction sessions and the monthly 1:1 encounters with a personal Spiritual Director. I looked forward to them all!  Our group leader gave us time for silence, prayer, sharing, music, tears, and laughter! Regardless of distance, cultural background, or denominational preference, we found that we had more in common than we had differences; and now that the program is over, we’ve decided to meet on our own.

My personal Spiritual Director helped me navigate through questions, like,  “What has saved my life? What eats away at me? After having cancer, who am I now? Have I come to the end of myself or am I ready for a paradigm shift?  What is my role now? What is my goal now? What brings me to life or makes me come alive?”  Howard Thurman says, “Don’t ask what the world needs.  Ask what makes you come alive and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”

There is no doubt in my mind that the melding of the six interactive components of Heart Longings successfully brought me back to life!  My story is reframed.  I give myself compassion and grace.  I am at peace surrendering to silence, able to go deeper and discern what God is birthing in me.  I am learning to see what is important NOW.  At two years and three months cancer free, I seek God anew and afresh! I am charged by the Benedictine oblate author of The Artist’s Rule “… [To] allow my gaze on the world around me to come from my heart space” [so that], “The eyes of [my] heart receive the world with gentleness, openness, and sacred awe.”

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