Opening the Heart of Compassion

How can we skillfully navigate suffering in the present moment? What practices might we employ that remind us that we are not alone? These questions have become particularly relevant to me in the last three years. Perhaps they are meaningful for you right now.

In September 2022, my beloved husband of 24 years was killed by a negligent driver while riding his motorcycle on a picture-perfect, sunny day. Together we had been caregiving my infirmed mother approximately 80 hours a week. The ground fell out from underneath me without his presence. My mom died four and a half months later, and my father had long been deceased. Being an only child with my two adult sons living out-of-state meant that I had many opportunities to feel the weight of despair and loneliness as I waned in a grief-induced depression.

Even though I had engaged consistently in contemplative prayer for decades, the singular experience of this grief beckoned me to find a practice that would not only relieve my suffering but also address my feelings of isolation and loneliness. I did not have far to look to find a nurturing practice. The one that I chose is linked to a fond memory from Shalem.

I remember sitting in our opening circle for Shalem’s Spiritual Guidance Program and hearing the introduction of one of my fellow associates as an interfaith minister. The baby leapt in my womb, so to speak, as I felt the spark of a calling ignite. This inspiration led to my attending One Spirit Interfaith Seminary and subsequently my ordination as an interfaith minister.

Interfaith commonly refers to conversation among religious traditions. Interspiritual typically connotes the sharing of practices. One of the most meaningful interspiritual practices that has helped me cope during this season of intense grief is a practice from the Buddhist tradition—tonglen. Tonglen may be translated as giving and receiving. It is the practice of visualizing breathing in the suffering of another (or a group of beings) and sending out relief to them. While one may engage in tonglen at any time, it is designed to be practiced in the moment when we become aware of our own suffering. Conscious of our particular pain, we stop and connect with the pain of all the other beings who are feeling exactly like we are right now.

So for example, when I am feeling lonely and greatly missing my spouse, I can begin imagining all the widows and widowers around the world who are also feeling that same longing and sadness. I can breathe in their suffering and send out compassion and relief. Rather than drawing on the reserves of my small sense of self, I breathe their pain into the place of Absolute Compassion or Unconditional Love within me and breathe out a desire for their wellbeing from that same place of Abundance. In this way, my heart of compassion opens and my perspective expands. In a flash, I no longer feel alone.

The practice of tonglen has sustained me in the many times when despair has come to visit and my mental narrative centers around the thought that life is no longer worth living. While tonglen does not take away the pain of loss, it does abruptly change my perspective. And I know from my background in psychology that one of the most potent coping strategies when life is challenging is positive reframing. Interestingly, research has shown that out of all the mechanisms utilized for establishing beneficial emotional coping during the recent pandemic, positive reframing was the most valuable for promoting wellbeing. This reframing may be seen as a redemptive, rather than a fatalistic, narrative; one that has the potential to uncover a transcendent viewpoint which fosters connection. Tonglen has provided that window for me.

Perhaps you, too, can find solace when you are in pain by connecting to the shared suffering of our human experience. I certainly desire that for you. Remember, you are not alone. So, I will leave you with these encouraging words from a Buddhist scripture, the Dhammapada 17:233, “Use your mind for doing good, not for harm. Train your mind in love.”

*Addendum: When considering interfaith dialogue and interspiritual practices, it is important to address the idea of religious appropriation. Some scholars suggest that religious appropriation is the teaching of, financial profiting from, exploitation of, and/or the appropriation of a religion without formal training and sanctioning from the elders of the tradition. Scholars also suggest that religious appropriation is not adopting the beliefs of a religion from another culture, engaging in authentic spiritual practices of a religion from another culture, or engaging in adaptations of authentic spiritual practices of various religions. According to these explanations, we can understand that engaging in tonglen, for example, is a way of enhancing our own faith journey without disrespecting a religious tradition.