Being My Authentic Self
When I am asked how I’ve grown from my first steps with Shalem’s Heart Longings program to where I am today, the short answer is, I have grown tremendously. When I decided to apply to the Heart Longings program, I was seeking a closer relationship with God. I wanted to feel God’s presence more in my heart and everyday life. I was also looking for a community of people with mindsets similar to mine, more spiritual than religious. The motivation for my seeking was an intense feeling of needing a fundamental change in my life and how I lived. Also, before applying to Heart Longings, I had asked God to transform my soul, renew my mind, and open my heart to loving and being loved. In conjunction with my desire to live differently and praying for God to transform me, I had just started reading the book A Course of Love: Combined Volume by Mari Perron. I was ready for spiritual growth and direction, and Heart Longings became the vehicle I needed to move forward.
I know the universe ordered my steps and showed me the pathway to the relationship I want with God. Once I was on the path, God gave me the guides I needed to move forward, Margaret Benefiel and Amy Molina-Moore. They are gentle leaders, encouraging teachers, and lovely examples of what it means to live with an open, accepting heart. Thank you, Margaret and Amy, for seeing and hearing me and allowing me to show up as my authentic self. I now know that the way to feel close to God and experience divine presence and love is to express my true self. Engaging with the small group and being in individual spiritual direction increased the feelings of divine presence and love I experienced internally and externally.
All the program’s presenters fed my soul in some way. Dr. A.Y. Bryant’s talk about Practicing Sacred Activism stands out the most for me. The material she shared connected me with my feelings of being a victim and unable to help others who are victimized. Even though I knew it intellectually and spiritually, I did not believe that I could be victimized without becoming a victim. I now know that the actions taken against me in the past and those that may be taken against me in the future do not define who I am. I am a whole and holy expression of God’s love. This is a fact that no person, organization, or government agency can change.
During the final Heart Longings retreat, several program participants shared how they experienced my vulnerability during Dr. Bryant’s presentation. The participants said they saw my vulnerability as authentic and strong. Their statements surprised me because I have always seen my sensitivity and vulnerability as weaknesses that must be suppressed and hidden. While listening to them, I experienced the spirit of God moving through me with an intensity I had never felt before. I then realized that sensitivity and vulnerability are gifts from God that the Creator wants me to express in my life and the world. Whenever I think about it, I cry because the participants’ feedback forever changed how I see myself and my purpose in the world.
My deepest desire is to know and live the love and oneness of God in my daily life. In the future, I am committed to allowing my authentic self to continue to be revealed and expressed in all my relationships. I am also committed to allowing my heart, mind, and soul to be present to God’s presence in all my interactions, regardless of how brief or sustained. With the understanding that this is an ongoing process, I will use Shalem’s programs, books, and other sources and resources to support my continued spiritual growth and development.