Taking Refuge
What gets us through the tough times—times of tribulation and heartache? To what or whom do we flee for refuge? Many of us might answer that it is the support of family, friends, and our spiritual practices. We certainly need help right now—in this moment—whether we are trying to navigate the deep political chasm in the United States (and all its craziness) or our own personal grief.
A Beautiful Life
Marilyn Jane Scott, my mother, died peacefully in her sleep on Thursday, January 26, 2023, at 10 am on a grey day. There was no struggle, no evidence of terminal agitation. Although, in the wee hours of the morning while we were keeping vigil by her bedside, her whole body tensed several times as we held her hands.
I had pulled a sofa next to the hospital bed in which she lay so that I could be near her and she would feel my presence. I noticed her breathing change around 5:30 AM. So I awoke my sons, Zack and Josh, as they had asked me to do, and together we surrounded her with love.
Excerpts from my journal during my mother’s last days are indicative of how she chose to live. I wrote:
(Saturday, January 7, 2023) After a visit from Josh, including a filet mignon meal he cooked for her, mom allows me to move and clean her. When I go to my home next door to collect my mail, I tarry longer than she expects because I receive a phone call from a cousin inquiring about my mom’s status. Upon my return, I am greeted by my mom’s troubled expression and her sweet, anxious words, “I was so worried about you.” I receive her care and concern in these precious days as a balm for my weeping heart.
(Unrecorded date) Mama looks childlike and keeps falling in and out of sleep. She is hallucinating, but still asks about Zack and Josh. It’s a chilly and partly cloudy morning. We had a rough night.
Always polite, when I feed her a sandwich, she remarks, “Those sandwiches are very good. Thank you.”
Most mornings, after eating her solo scrambled egg, she asserts, “Those eggs are very good. Thank you.”
(Tuesday, January 24, 2023) I tell mom that I am drinking coffee with honey in it this morning, and she asks me to make a cup like that for her too. When I bring it to her, she compliments, “That is very tasty.”
Joshua is raising the head of her hospital bed and asks, “How is that?” Mom laughs and gives him the finger.
Gatito (one of our cat companions) is walking near mom’s hospital bed. When she hears Gatito purring, she says, “And what are you going to say about it?”
“Thank you for taking such good care of me. I really appreciate it,” she offers to me again.
In the final moments, I climbed in bed with her, kissing her face and stroking her head. It was reminiscent of four and half months earlier when I had done the same to be near my husband’s lifeless body in a cold, white hospital emergency room. The tragic nature of his death had prevented me from being with him as he relaxed into eternity. Yet I was gifted with this precious time with my mom—no grand finale, just a soft exit leaving my sons and me with no regrets.
What Sustains Us
A verse from the Buddhist scripture, the Dhammapada (4:52), reminds me of my mom’s impact on my life and the lives of everyone whom she touched. It reads, “Like a lovely flower full of color and fragrance are the words of those who practice what they preach.” And it was the Buddhist-informed practice of Taking Refuge that played a pivotal role in sustaining me during my mother’s slow decline and my husband’s sudden death. This practice is what grounds me now.
In his book, Being Peace, renowned Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hahn, described the practice of taking refuge in the Three Gems. He explained, “In Buddhism, there are three gems: Buddha, the awakened one: Dharma, the way of understanding and loving; and Sangha, the community that lives in harmony and awareness. . . In everyone there is the capacity to wake up, to understand, and to love” (p. 14).
To engage in interspirituality or the sharing of practices across traditions, means that we might allow a practice from a faith outside our own to inspire us. In this vein, when I take refuge daily, I take refuge in the three gems of my own understanding. Specifically, I take refuge in my Loving Nature—the part of me that I believe transcends death. I take refuge in the wisdom of the teachings that awaken me to love. And I take refuge in the community of beings who are practicing with me—usually the domesticated and wildlife near my porch, the many trees and bushes, and the vibrant flowers.
Where do you find refuge? What values inspire you and on what beings can you rely when you need that steady center? Recalling your own precious gems can be a game-changer when you need it the most. I know it has been for me. May you inhabit that place of refuge daily as you travel through dark and scary places and celebrate in the sweet, joyful moments.
*Addendum: When considering interfaith dialogue and interspiritual practices, it is important to address the idea of religious appropriation. Some scholars suggest that religious appropriation is the teaching of, financial profiting from, exploitation of, and/or the appropriation of a religion without formal training and sanctioning from the elders of the tradition. Scholars also suggest that religious appropriation is not adopting the beliefs of a religion from another culture, engaging in authentic spiritual practices of a religion from another culture, or engaging in adaptations of authentic spiritual practices of various religions. According to these explanations, we can understand that engaging in the practice of taking refuge, for example, is a way of enhancing our own faith journey without disrespecting a religious tradition.